Old flames

I met up with Campervan Boy. Remember Campervan Boy (*click*)?

He was the first man I met through online dating three years ago. I hadn't seen him since then, but after a weird coincidence involving me being at his workplace, and him giving me a butt dial, we arranged to catch up.

It was nice! I remembered why I liked him. He's a good one, a free spirit, unpretentious, cheeky. I also remembered why we didn't work out. But I'm glad we met - it makes me think that online dating wasn't a complete waste of time.

Happy Chocolates-on-Special day everyone

This is what my flatmate got from her partner for Valentine's Day:

• a card outlining how weird and wonderful she is
• three bars of soap
• Swiss chocolate
• two blowtorches

The end (for real this time)

Five months after the first date we have now come full circle. My man and I are done, over and out.

What went wrong? Hard to say, many things. Liking each other and having similar values was not enough. Maybe our personalities and interests were too different, maybe our personal issues weren't compatible. I wasn't myself around him a lot of the time, and at first I thought that was just because we didn't know each other well yet, and I just went along with it, but then I got used to it and stopped noticing it. Not ideal.

I would prefer it if I knew exactly what went wrong and how to fix it, but I don't and he doesn't, so I'll go with that sometimes things just don't work out.

So I talked things through with friends and did a bit of wallowing, and strangely, now I'm fine. So, going forward, I need a new strategy. Here's the best plan I currently have: I'll buy a cottage in the highlands and get kittens!

Sweden adventures #1

Here comes the first part of my travel notes from my recent holiday in Sweden.

I'm embarking on a very similar - if more compressed - trip as I did four years ago. Then, I travelled from Glasgow to Stockholm, spending a few nights there (*click*) before I went to the famous Herräng dance camp (*click*), and then on to Grötö, Porridge Island, a tiny island off the coast near Gothenburg. My friend Leo's family has a summer house there, where I visited him and my other friend and former flatmate Sally, who had been on holiday there. And this is where the two of them are getting married in a few days.

Then, I was on an eight months long trip around the world. I had a lot of time on my hands. Now, I feel like I'm abandoning my boss at work during the busiest time of the year. So I'm only taking nine days off, two and a half of which I'm going to spend on crossing Sweden to get to my multiple destinations quickly - using public transport.

What else has changed since 2012?

• I have a new boyfriend
• I have no acne anymore
• I have some grey hair and lines
• I have a home and a job
• I'm much happier with my dancing skills, but less keen to use them

The end

So, how are things with my man you might wonder.

First of all, there were more dates but we stopped writing about them. And we certainly did not take things slowly! On date seven he said he wanted us to be a couple, as in solid, committed, serious, exclusive, etc. That was sweet. It was also very, very soon, and very much the opposite of slow!

Of course I agreed. But then I started to worry about all the things that could go wrong: Was I committing to more than I was ready for? How serious and sustainable were my feelings? Were they the right sort of feelings and what was I supposed to be feeling at this stage anyway? Was I too relaxed, risking to get swept away by this new relationship only to then get hurt myself if he wasn't up for it or things just didn't work out? Was he getting too comfortable? Was he taking me for granted and just replacing his ex with whoever was convenient? Was I worrying too much, jeopardising the whole thing by overthinking it?
That last one might be a yes...

Ooft.

I then went away on a walking trip to Ullapool, a home visit to Germany and a work trip to Greece, too busy to worry, and I'm quite alright just now. I'm writing this while he's making me breakfast.

It's strange but nice to be in a relationship again. There are moments that are just a thousand times more pleasant with a boyfriend. Lying on a wooden jetty by the canal in the sun: definitely better with a boyfriend. Watching a movie on the couch: also much better with a boyfriend. Hugs too.

It's fun to discover one another's little quirks and routines. How he needs to eat at least five times a day, how untidiness makes him alternatively feel uneasy or wild. Seeing him one morning on the couch in his bathrobe (morning gown?) reading the paper was a memorable moment. Made me aware of my own quirks as well, like my erratic eating patterns, my occasional indecisiveness, my ignorance of current (and not so current) affairs. I've found myself a man next to whom I look flaky! I don't even want to think too hard about all my annoying things he has to put with.

It's quite difficult to organise a relationship around a full social life. I have neglected my French studies, my online courses, my dancing and my Uke. We live in opposite ends of the city, so travel is time consuming and sleep-overs need planning ahead. But I'm sure we'll figure it out and find a balance.

So after the first few dates we have now reached a phase where there isn't much to report. If things keep going well he'll probably get the occasional mention in my blog. If things go badly I'm sure I'll write about it too some day. Wish us luck!

In any case, I really did appreciate that he was brave enough to post here for you. If you want to re-read any of it click the links below for the full report:

• Being the man
• Live coverage from the front
• Working Class Boy #2
• First date - what he says
• At the theatre (second date) - what he says
• A coastal walk (date 3) - what she says
• A coastal walk (date 3) - what he says
• Dinner at his (date 4) - what she says
• Dinner at his (date 4) - what he says
• Date #5 - what she says
• Date #5 - what he says

Date #5 - what he says

Get ready for what might be my guest blogger's final post:

"Date number 5 is a different ball game as we enter the realm of the ad hoc date. Maike is dancing during the weekend so I text her to ask if she wants to meet for a quick coffee (this ends up being a very unquick coffee). 

It’s a sunny day. We meet in a park and wile away a few hours lying there and chatting, which is super nice. It feels very natural and I’m definitely the most relaxed and at ease I’ve been on the dates so far. Maike is great and it’s so nice to spend time with her like this. The only downside is that I take a healthy interest in her dancing shoes and she thinks I might have a foot fetish (I don’t)(at least not that I know of).

We eventually have that coffee. I fear Maike thinks I’m a little unusual as I tell her I like to rewatch certain films lots of times. We then decide to extend the date further by getting dinner. We eat at a really nice Turkish place and have lots of MEAT. The waiter used to live near to my hometown and gives us free tea. Maike decides that I’m better company than that evening’s dancing (I always knew this lady was wise) so we decide to go to the cinema instead. The film is very funny and we have a long, in depth conversation about one of the big questions in life: just how old is Hugh Grant these days?

After the film finishes Maike walks me to the bus stop (she is an old fashioned romantic) so I can get home while she cycles back to hers.

So, a quick coffee turned into an 8 hour date with a beautiful, smart, interesting lady. Life is good, dear readers, life is good."

And to answer the one obvious question that must be killing you now: Yes, Hugh Grant is indeed looking quite old in the film Florence Foster Jenkins, but he is only 55!

Date #5 - what she says

Date 5
This is an impromptu date. Unexpectedly, my afternoon is free and he asks me if I want to meet up for a coffee. Do I ever. I am really glad he asks, I have been wanting to see him all day. It seems the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him.

We meet in Princes Street Gardens and just lie in the sun for four hours. Enjoying the sun and each other's company, rolling in the grass, watching people, kissing, talking.

We go for coffee at Waterstone's, a bookstore with a nice café overlooking the castle. Apparently, his go-to place for first dates! I still have some time to kill before my next engagement, a dance I am going to go to. He suggests we have dinner, and I ask for a cheerful restaurant rather than a fancy one. The Vietnamese place he suggests is full but we find a Turkish place nearby which turns out to be a great choice. The food is very good, but also, Ali, who runs the place together with his brother, is a lovely host and has a friendly chat with every guest. Definitely a cheerful place.

On our way to my bike we pass by the cinema. I'm not ready for the date to be over, so I can convince him to see a film which he doesn't even want to see, and I ditch my other plans for the evening.

I've learned more about the mystery live-in ex. When he first mentioned her I commented on the fact that the break-up had been quite recent. Maybe because of this remark he was reluctant to tell me that they were together for a very, very long time. I don't mind. Should I? I've always thought I might 'end up' with someone who has had a previous marriage or something, because the ones who haven't had any serious relationships by now - will they ever?

Dinner at his (date 4) - what he says

My guest blogger:

"So, dear readers, we have arrived at date number four. Exciting times! For today’s date I aim to impress Maike by cooking for her and showing her my flat.

I have a minor panic on the day when Maike tells me she has never had blue cheese before, and this is a key ingredient in what I’m cooking. I have bought a German blue cheese, so what can go wrong?

As it turns out she likes the food and my flat. She spends time looking at my books, which I like a lot. We go for a nice walk along the beach (this working class boy has a ‘beachside property’) before coming back for dessert (which I’ve bought, not made, I confess). We listen to jazz and Maike is very interested in counting the beats and I learn a little about musical theory from her. What a find this lady is!

There is some very nice kissing (awwww) and then I drive her home. A really nice date!"

Dinner at his (date 4) - what she says

Date 4
He invites me to dinner at his place. I realise that this could be code for something else but in fact I suspect nothing other than honourable intentions and hopefully a nice dinner. He even picks me up from work and offers me a lift home later - how nice is that!

His flat is very close to the beach, very clean and tidy and nicely decorated. I must admit I am relieved. In fact, I am ridiculously pleased about that. Lots of framed prints on the walls, lots of books, CDs and DVDs neatly stacked in shelves and in an old fireplace. We share our taste in books - frighteningly so.

There is more kissing and when it gets a bit heated I suggest we take things slowly. He might be a keeper so I'm not taking this lightly. I want to make sure no one gets hurt too much before we've made up our minds.

He makes a lovely dinner which involves blue cheese - I was worried, I had never had cheese with blue mould in it. But it works really well with the other ingredients, butternut squash, mushrooms, rocket and a sweet dressing. We take a walk along the beach at sunset - again! It is beautiful and I am feeling happy. Apart from being slightly paranoid about running into one of my old flames who all seem to be living in this area.

He opens up a bit and tells me about his own old flames. I'm still waiting to hear about the ex live-in girlfriend from not too long ago, but I think he must have had his rebound, and it's not going to be me. He tells me how nervous he was when he first saw me on our first date because I was better-looking than in my picture. Then he quickly added that my looks weren't the only reason why he wanted to meet me - as if he was worried he might have offended me! Adorable.

I have deactivated my online dating account. I can't possibly deal with more than one boy at a time.

A coastal walk (date 3) - what he says

And here's my guest blogger's account of date number three:

"Date three has been arranged as a long coastal walk. Maike is well prepared. When I do the gentlemanly thing and offer to carry the rucksack, I nearly snap my arm because of how heavy it is! It later turns out that she has a second outfit in there (this lady likes to layer) and snacks for the trip (I’m a bit embarrassed as my preparation amounts to a bottle of water). The weather is beautiful. Nice sights: bridges, water, islands, trees, wildlife, beaches. We walk. We talk. Life is sweet. We reach the halfway point and turn back after a short rest. I am thinking I would love to kiss Maike today. I don’t want to overstep boundaries. I’m also aware that if I am rebuffed it is going to be a long, awkward walk back. We spot a strange, small rock called Eagle Rock (named because in theory an image of an eagle can be seen in the rock – possibly an optimistic claim). Maike wants to take a look at the rock. I realise this would be an amazing spot to kiss. Windswept and romantic. I could commune with nature and be all Heathcliff-like (if Heathcliff was clean shaven and wearing a blue hoodie). I decide to go for it. You only live once and all that. I am happy to report that Maike does not rebuff me. We kiss. And she is an amazing kisser (apologies to one reader in particular – Maike’s mother – if this is too much detail). At the end of the walk, we sit on a wall for a long time and admire the view. Then a meal and home. It’s been a great day and it’s really nice to getting to know Maike."

To be continued.

A coastal walk (date 3) - what she says

Date 3
We meet in South Queensferry in the afternoon of one of the first properly sunny days this spring. My evil plan is to walk the 5 miles to Cramond and back in a little loop so that at sunset, we will be walking by the water with views of the Forth bridges and over to Fife. Could it be any more romantic?

We walk to Cramond where the river Almond meets the Firth of Forth, and watch the boats, and the people on the other side of the river. There used to be a passenger ferry to cross it, which would have taken under five minutes. Now, there is a bridge a mile up the river. We are alone on this side of the river, safe from other people and the ice cream van.

We walk back along the coast and climb a big rock that has a name plate attached to it. Eagle Rock. It is exposed up here, windy and sunny, and offers nice views. Almost too perfect a spot for a first kiss. And I am taken by surprise when it actually happens here, so soon. Good work!

I wonder how scary it must be to make this move for the first time. It's probably easier with online, 'official', dating, because it is clear to all parties involved that this is about romance not friendship, so attempting a kiss shouldn't be too risky. But still, I have never done it.

I'm feeling a bit self-conscious about kissing in such an overly romantic spot, or kissing at all, but it soon passes, and I am just enjoying the moment, the walk, the sun, the twosomeness, holding hands.

Back in Queensferry we sit on a wall by the water for hours, getting a Scottish tan (=sunburn), until we need to pee. We have dinner in a pub, and he gives me a lift home.

To be continued.

Forth Rail Bridge

Barnbougle Castle

Dalmeny Estate

The scenery which made him want to kiss me.

Most romantic rail bridge to cross the Forth.

At the theatre (date 2) - what he says

Here is my guest blogger's report of our second date:

"I manage to leave work on time and get to the theatre for my second date with Maike right on time. I feel more relaxed and we have a catch up before heading into the play. While waiting for the play to begin, we discuss books and she says she has read Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace twice. One of my favourite books. My heart swoons. The play is, erm, interesting and pretty weird. One audience member needs to fake an illness to get out of there.  Afterwards we go for a drink. Maike makes me laugh a lot when she can’t understand some of my words and then proceeds to say back to me how they sound. The conversation flows. I give her a lift home. On the way we arrange a third date (readers, there are no flies on this boy). To kiss or not to kiss, that was my question. I ponder trying to give her a goodnight kiss but don’t have the courage and don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. We hug instead. A very nice second date and third one arranged. Life is good."

To be continued.

First date - what he says

I'm so excited, I have a guest blogger today! Not only are you reading about the story as it develops, you are being treated to both sides of it! Working Class Boy has kindly agreed to report his experience of dating me. Is this a great or a terrible idea? I honestly don't know, but I do think it might be entertaining. So, in his own words:

"I have had the honour of having been asked to contribute a guest blog to this publication. So, here goes...

First date:
Before the first date with Maike, of course I had seen her online profile and there had been messages sent between us. From this Maike seemed interesting, quirky and pretty. On the day of date I arrived feeling reasonably calm and optimistic. She was already there and reading (a very good first sign). Very quickly I realise that I have underestimated Maike. First off, she is incredibly good looking (Readers, I know I am a fool for not realising this sooner. What can I say? My Ipad is small and her photographs simply did not do her justice). I suddenly feel more nervous than I did. Maike struggles to understand some (actually, maybe a lot) of my accent. I fear I am making a mess of this. So, I regroup and try to portray myself as something other than a bumbling idiot. Hopefully I achieve this. We talk about various topics: work, where we live and have lived, books, music, and even dating. Maike is sweet and very funny. Her sense of humour is sharp and dry. I find myself laughing a lot. She even manages to suggest I might have an inappropriate relationship with my sister, which is funny rather than offensive. Time goes. One hour turns into two and then three. There is a slightly awkward moment when we realise that she lives in the same building as my friend (hopefully she does not think I’m an axe murderer and now have her address). At the end of the date I decide to be brave and ask her out for a second date. She accepts. Hurray! So, dear reader, the first date is navigated with a great deal of nerves but seemingly a level of success. Phew."

Aw, isn't he a charmer? To be continued.

Working Class Boy #2

Date 2
On our second date we saw a play which had received raving reviews, but which I found a bit disturbing. For example, in a twisted sex scene on a kitchen counter the hostess and a much older guest cheated on their partners during a dinner party while the old guy's wife and grown-up son were talking to the hostess's husband in the living room next door. Maybe too intense for a second date?

We went for drinks afterwards, but I felt too shell-shocked to discuss the play. We talked about other stuff and it was nice. He had read everything by David Foster Wallace. Even unfinished stuff! While not exactly obscure, the author isn't that widely known outside the US.

He noticed before I did that I was uncomfortable discussing a topic. I don't remember which topic, but I liked his perceptiveness and consideration. I believe his job requires a lot of listening, and he is very good at it.

He gave me a lift home which was great. He can drive and has a car, how convenient! Compare 10 min in good company in a cosy car to 40 min of waiting at a bus stop, sitting in the freezing or overheated bus with unsavoury or smelly characters, before finally having to walk through an unlit park to get home.

It turned out that he had been to my house before because he is friends with my neighbours (*click*). Awkward. Now I feel like my neighbours are spying on me.

Parking in front of my house I could see my flatmate through the window doing the dishes. I didn't want to linger here, exposed like that. He made no attempt to get out and open my door for me (how dare he not to!), so I just gave him a hug in the car, making it practically impossible for him to kiss me.

I think I dodged a bullet there. Kissing in a car is awkward.

To be continued.

Live coverage from the front

I'm changing the format of my date reports to live coverage! But before that, I need to bring you up to speed.

This guy, let's call him Working Class Boy, was the guinea pig to my first experiment of being the man (*click*), where I selected dating candidates myself rather than waiting for them to select me. Well, he was the first one who wasn't playing hard-to-get. There was another one who at one point took weeks to respond. During this time I had already deleted our previous conversation and lost the record of what had been said.

Date 1
From the few pleasant messages Working Class Boy and I exchanged, I couldn't find anything wrong with him. He seemed kind, well-read, interested in many different things, fairly active, and pretty sane. He was also slightly taller than me and seemed to still have full hair. Not a major issue but nice.

Arranging our first date was uncomplicated. I asked him out for coffee, and he told me which days he would be free. Very helpful. We set the time and place, and then we met in a nice café with a few comfy chairs, which was also a restaurant and a bar, a versatile choice. I had been on a first date here before, with Huggy Boy (*click*). That didn't go so well.

I was more nervous than I had been on most previous first dates, because this guy was promising. When he arrived he seemed nervous as well. We talked for hours about books, and work, and where we were from, and where we had lived, and while there were a few pauses, they weren't too uncomfortable. He seemed awfully nice. I made an inappropriate joke involving his sister whom I had never met. He took it graciously. He kept painting me in a good light, which somehow urged me to say something bad about myself in which he couldn't possibly find anything positive. I must have failed, because before the date was over he committed the faux-pas of asking me out for a second one.

To be continued.

Being the Man

After a bit of a break from boys I'm now taking online dating to the next level: I'm gonna be the man! Well, I'm still gonna be me, just taking the initiative. Rather than waiting for the dudes to contact me, I will be the one to choose who to talk to. Turns out the ones who pick me are not the ones I would pick - no offence guys!

So I sent a message to someone whose profile I liked, he got back, we chatted for a bit and then I asked him out on a date. Whaaat?!? Yeah, right! Why didn't I do that sooner?

Printer Guy

All the boys and the dating, if nothing else, provide me with a neverending supply of stories to entertain my flatmate, friends and readers. And random people on the street - I tend to overshare.

But occasionally, I have a serious conversation about finding a partner, and at one of these my flatmate asked whether there weren't any people at my work I might like, since the whole online dating business is getting ridiculous. I dismissed the idea as too risky - if things didn't work out it might get awkward in the office. But my mind must have gone through the list of people at work I believe to be single and attractive and then a few days later it happened.

I was working away, focusing on my spreadsheets, when I suddenly realised that I had developed a crush on my colleague. And I wasn't even talking to him at that moment. This is a nice chap who sits near the printer and whenever anyone prints something he starts a chat.

Now, for the life of me, I just can't think of any more documents that need printing!

Singles

Boys feature in this year's list of new year resolutions, and I'm also becoming more of a proper statistician every day. So statistically, what are my chances of actually meeting an eligible young man here in Scotland?

The last time everyone in Scotland was counted was in 2011. The Scottish census provides a lot of interesting data (*click*). In 2011, there were a bit more than 5 million people living in Scotland. Of these, only 48.5% were men - so, fewer men than women - it's already not looking great for me!

But then, what about the age group I'm interested in, let's say 30-39 year olds? Well, there are 324,876 males in this age group who would go for, say, the 512,546 25-39 year old ladies in Scotland. I'm assuming that guys don't mind having much younger partners... But let's not worry too much about the competition and keep the eyes on the prize.

Of those 324,876 young men some will be taken. Getting rid of all the ones who are married, in a civil partnership, or living together as a couple leaves me with 114,408 candidates across Scotland. But I'm not a friend of long-distance relationships, so how many of these live in Edinburgh?

The answer is 13,851. And now it gets a bit less certain. Let's get rid of gay men, they won't fancy me! There is little data available on sexual orientation. The Integrated Household Survey 2014 estimates that 1.5% of men in the UK are gay, but that's across all ages, and older people are less likely to identify as gay. The Scottish Household Survey in 2014 reported 1% of Scottish men to be gay but also sees this figure as underestimating the true percentage. So I'll go with 1.5% which reduces my man pool to 13,600.

My experience shows that it is rather unlikely for me to end up with someone without some sort of university degree. Now, 53% of men in Edinburgh between the ages 25 and 49 have at least a first degree. Assuming that this percentage is roughly representative of my preferred age group (30-39) and that Edinburgh's educated men are equally likely to be single or married etc., this leaves me with an optimistic estimate of 7,200 available young men in Edinburgh.

Surely, one of them will also be smart, kind, funny and good-looking?

Resolutions - update

Right, it's decided. Here are my official new year's resolutions for 2016:

1. Laugh more - keeping it vague and thus not committing to a measurable outcome is a commonly used civil service strategy...
2. More boys - 2015 has been quite busy with boys and while I have been unsuccessful in finding a suitable match online so far I'll keep going. But also:
3. Speed dating! And yes, I'll take notes and will report back.
4. Get fit - this is mostly yoga exercises for my poor back, but I'm also determined to join the gym at work for the swimming pool.

Jacuzzi Man

Intriguing guy. In his profile he seemed very opinionated and outspoken, even confrontational sometimes, but open to dicussing things. For our first date he suggested coffee and cinema, but it was impossible to find a place for coffee near the cinema that wasn't a bar (which he avoids) or a Starbucks (which I avoid). We took a walk instead and then watched a documentary about corrupt cops in New York City. After the film he rather abruptly took off into the night, and it was only 9 pm. I wasn't sure if I'd hear from him again but he texted me half an hour later, asking if I wanted to meet again.

For our second date, he suggested to go to the jacuzzi together. (I declined.) When he kissed me on our third date I asked him what his intentions were. Can't repeat here what he said since my mum is reading this, but they weren't exactly honorable... I suggested he stop shagging other women while he's with me which he agreed to.

A few more dates followed, but it was soon obvious that while we liked each other, we had very different interests and values. The idea of sleeping in a tent horrified him and he didn't really see the point of walking in a park. I didn't care much for smoothies instead of breakfast, the gym, or city trips to places with a history of political conflict. So things had to end but it was sad.

The best thing about Jacuzzi Man was his honesty and bluntness.

Number of dates had: 8. Overall experience: 7/10.